Last night I had some thoughts in my mind that I really wanted to express on my personal blog (not this one), but I was caught up in homework and eventually forgot about it all. Now that I'm here at work and the streets are empty, I began trying to remember what it was and realized "wow...I forgot how great life is". That is what I intended to write in the first place, but for the purpose of this blog and its "serious" theme, I'm slightly going off course and turning to more mature issues.
I love what life offers, not our situations or the decisions we make, but what is there and we don't notice. The things that stand still as we pass by, the ones that say nothing or do nothing (such as the flowers, the ocean, buildings, etc). They're just things that have been either offered to us from the beginning of existence, or that we have made, and they're there to make us smile, or happy, or confused. One of the rules in my life is to always notice the little details, the things no one else notices.
This morning I stared at the view like I usually do just when I wake up, and I saw the ocean, the seagulls diving into the water in hopes of catching fish, and the boats floating still, but sometimes dancing with the little waves other boats make. I hate the fact that no one I know sees things the way I do, but maybe some people are not meant to see them, maybe they're supposed to live their lives focused on work and things that don't matter at the end, so that when they sit at home bored and depressed, they read about all the things they're missing. We deliver, they receive. (or something like that)
Now, speaking of people and going off course, the one thing that never ceases to amaze me, to shock me, to fill me with all kinds of emotions really, is the way people are/act/do things.
I go out and wait for the bus, often watching people walk or jog in the park. Just normal average people doing their daily routine and I wonder what lives they each have. I do this as well when I sit on the bus. Many people stare at the outside, deep in thought. I wonder how many of them are going through hell, and which ones are criminals, poor, rich, cheaters, gays, lesbians, transvestites, sex addicts, etc. Everybody wears a facade in the outside world, but sometimes you can catch a small glimpse of their emotions just by looking at their eyes. Some will frown at themselves, others will smile, and others will even mutter to themselves. Whatever is visible to them inside their minds, they'll react to it unconsciously and leave behind a trail for me to see. It's become a habit of mine to try and figure out what people are thinking, what vibes they give me, what I think they might be capable of, and most of the times, maybe 8 out of 10, I'll be correct about the people I'm closest to. It's a habit of mine to say "I don't trust her/him, I think this is gonna happen". And things do happen. It's also a habit of mine to say "I told you so".
Experience is a big factor of the way I am or deal with things. Even though I'm still just a kid and in a way I'm a newbie to the world outside what I know, I could say I've learned so much about the way things are. I hate the way people underestimate me. It could be because of the way I talk or express myself, the way I seem naive and childish.
I'm one of those who puts on a facade, it's easier that way. My personality is the way it is because it's easier that way, because it helps me surround myself with people my age and younger, and even so, I still act different and think differently. [A little random fact about me: I give advice unconsciously and when it's not requested.] If I didn't have this facade, I'd be like a 40 year old mother dealing with her kids and overprotecting everybody or telling them what or what not to do, what I think it's best. Because I know, and I see, and I study, and I'm always around strangers, whereas my friends are interested in other things for the most part, not all of them, and they're not stuck with strangers 24/7.
I still long for the day where I'll be able to have a long and vast conversation with someone and not feel like I belong someplace else. Because that's the way I feel; I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time, like I was supposed to reach Moksha but instead I de-escalated and ended up at the first stage of humanity.
Maybe another day I will write about what I had originally intended, like the things that make me happy.
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